clerk @ prolifequakers.org [remove spaces]
See also
My Personal Journey on the Abortion Issue, Friends Journal, February 1, 2010
Rape Culture and Abortion: Aimee’s Story (Aimee Murphy founded the consistent life ethic group Rehumanize International)
Elsewhere on this website:
AFSC & Who Shall Live? A Personal Impact
The Danger of Bubbles among Friends
Videos include stories from sex trafficking survivors and former abortion doctors
From Alastair McIver, member of West Scotland Area Meeting
Posted 10/11/22
Confessions of a Thin-Skinned Pro-Lifer
I am pro-life. I am thin-skinned, at least I am in relation to the abortion issue. Why this issue thins my skin so much when others, no less harrowing, do not, I do not know.
But I do know that stumbling upon it randomly delivers to me a familiar kicked-in-the-stomach feeling that I don’t know how to mitigate. It makes me want to curl up in a ball, makes it far harder to be a good husband and a good father. It may last for hours or even days, and is considerably worse if I engage, so I seldom engage. In short, it profoundly damages my mental health.
And lately, it has been harder than ever to avoid.
It seems to me that a lot of people don’t understand how much being pro-life sucks. No one in their right mind would choose it, and I have, believe me, spent a lot of time seriously considering the possibility that I am wrong. Yet I cannot will to un-know what I know: that an unborn child is a person with as much right to be here as I have. That abortion is primarily a right-wing tool of social cleansing, disguising itself very successfully as a left-wing tool of liberation. That, if you include economic coercion, an overwhelming majority of abortions are coerced, and that those politicians most interested in stopping abortion are often least interested in addressing the causes of coercion. That I stand at the wrong end of the most successful propaganda campaign ever conducted, and it’s tearing me apart.
Propaganda is a word that is often misused to simply mean “viewpoint I do not agree with”, and I am wary of the risk of using it in that sense, since I am far from objective on this issue. But it seems to me that propaganda differs from an impassioned defense of one’s beliefs because it doesn’t say “this is what I think, and here is why”; it doesn’t say “I disagree with you because . . .” It simply names its villains and attacks them relentlessly, without regard to whether the content of those attacks is true. I am the villain.
As a Quaker, I find myself surrounded by good people who are staunch opponents of every other sort of violence, but not that one. Even in my own faith community, I fail to engage, though I know in my heart that violence in the womb must be spoken against. I was attracted to Quakers in the first instance because of our commitment to peace. Events in Ukraine have certainly challenged that – how does one respond non-violently to the invasion of one’s country, to the infliction of violence by a far superior military power? I could never feel hatred or malice towards someone who picks up a gun in response to such an attack, any more than towards someone who has been driven to abortion by personal, social and economic circumstances which I cannot pretend to understand. Yet my deep commitment to peace means that I must believe there is always a better way.
I have seen the memes. The one that equates an abortion ban to mandatory vasectomies; a poem calling for the banning of testicles; the one that insists “If it were really about babies, pro-lifers would – ” followed by a list of things loads pro-life organisations are actually doing. People who don’t know they’re talking about me asserting that I hate women. None of them address the central issue – the humanity or otherwise of the life-form in question, whatever one’s preferred term for it. Of course, I’ve been told that the very fact of having a penis invalidates my opinion. And I haven’t argued. And I’ve berated myself for my cowardice every time.
I’m aware that hurt and fear and anger surround this issue, that good people who do not agree with me may be infuriated by my words. How dare I, a man, say such things? How dare I wallow in self-pity, trying to make it all about me? That is not my intention. I am simply trying to put into words a personal response to a difficult issue that has been making it difficult for me to live inside my own thin skin.
Perhaps if someone reads this and says “Oh, thank God! I thought it was just me!” I will have done some good.
But one thing is certain: I urgently need to get myself a thicker skin.
Any ideas how you do that?
From Anne Haehl, member of Oread Meeting, Lawrence, KS
“But you do agree that abortion is a woman’s choice?”
I wished I were almost anywhere but in my meeting, but Quakers are supposed to tell the truth. I had to struggle out, “No, I don’t.”
Even though abortion is not a matter of national legislation, someone mentioned it during out review of the FCNL priorities.
You probably know that when the word “abortion” comes in, thought goes out the window.
The room was filled with abstractions like “choice,” and “reproductive freedom,” and “war on women.” Meanwhile I was seeing the nurse counting out the parts of the baby’s body—hands, feet, head—to make sure nothing was left in the womb.
A couple of other Friends felt that I might have a point. For the others—I thought these abstractions had stopped their thinking. If they could see what I saw in my mind, surely they would be more open to the Light.
I thought that, until I gave a Friend a ride home.
When we were alone, she said, “I want you to know I disagree with you about abortion.”
“I understand that, Jane.” (no real names)
She repeated, “I want you to know I disagree with you about abortion.”
“I understand. It’s clear we do disagree about this.”
“I just think it’s a woman’s basic right to have a safe and legal abortion. . . You know, probably why [my adopted daughter] was born early was a botched abortion.”
I couldn’t answer. I don’t think I could even breath, as I thought of the young woman who uses her limited vocabulary to welcome people to meeting, who bops in her wheelchair to her favorite music, who loves to draw rainbows.
So abstractions aren’t the only problem.
From Kye Parsons, member of Rockingham Monthly Meeting / Ohio Yearly Meeting
My wife Evangeline and I were overjoyed when in the fall of 2006 we learned that we were expecting our second child. Our first child, Kirsten, who was 3 at the time, would have a sibling close to her age.
For the most part, everything was going well and my wife was eating right and taking care of herself. Well, we thought everything was fine until about five months into the pregnancy, when we received some disturbing news from the obstetrician. In a very matter-of-fact way, he told us that prenatal screening had indicated that there was a higher than normal risk of our baby being born with Down syndrome. My wife was 34 at the time, and apparently age and genetics contributed to the risk. Needless to say, we were surprised and upset upon hearing the news.
We were very aware of the significant physical and mental challenges that accompany children with Down syndrome. We also knew that people with Down syndrome usually have shorter life expectancies than the rest of the general population. And now we were being told that there was a very distinct possibility that our second child could be born with the disorder.
Our hearts were racing as the doctor spoke to us that further testing would be necessary to help determine if indeed our baby would be born with Down syndrome. He explained that if we did find out that our baby was born with it, he would discuss the “options” with us since caring for a child with Down syndrome is much more difficult than caring for children without this condition. Come to find out, one of those “options” to which the doctor was referring was the termination of the pregnancy.
When it came to abortion, my wife and I, who are members of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers), have always taken a strong pro-life stance. But now we were faced with the real test. If indeed we did find out for sure that our baby would be born with Down syndrome, what would we do? After all, caring for a child with Down syndrome requires significantly more attention, time, effort and money than caring for a child without the disorder. That may explain why it is estimated that a very high percentage (some studies show that between 91 and 93 percent) of all pregnancies in the United States with a diagnosis of Down syndrome are terminated.
From the start, however, we decided that no matter the outcome of the tests, abortion was out of the question. We truly believe that all life is sacred and even children with Down syndrome deserve a chance to live. We were resolute in our decision and made that known to the obstetrician. Of course, he did want us to go for more testing. Even for those parents like us who are adamantly opposed to abortion, advanced testing would allow medical providers the chance to give specialized prenatal treatment to the fetus if indeed Down syndrome is diagnosed. It also gives parents a chance to get prepared for the difficult challenges that lie ahead.
Our obstetrician decided that the next step in the process would be for my wife to go to a specialist for a 3D ultrasound, which is used to examine fetal anatomy in fetuses at risk for Down syndrome. The ultrasound would give the specialist an opportunity to see if there were any physical malformations in the fetus that are characteristic of Down syndrome.
After leaving the doctor’s office, we prayed to the Lord for His help and asked Him for a healthy baby. Even if that was not to be the case, we asked the Lord to give us the strength to carry on. So the next day, with much anxiety and trepidation, we set out from our home in Salisbury, Maryland to the state capital of Annapolis where we met with the specialist. I was in the room with the doctor and my wife as he began the 3D ultrasound evaluation. It was amazing seeing our baby inside the womb and in 3D at that! To our immense relief, the doctor said he could see no abnormalities and he was very confident that our baby would be born without complications. We immediately thanked God for the news as the last couple of days had been very emotionally taxing on both my wife and me.
About four months later my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Kayley. She was in good health and had no underlying medical conditions. We were so thankful for her. We also were so happy that we had remained resolute in our pro-life convictions and left everything to God’s will. Because if any time down the line we considered abortion as an option prior to our baby’s birth, how would we have been able to look at her without feeling even a least bit guilty?
From Tom McCormack, member of Bellingham, WA Meeting / North Pacific Yearly Meeting
In 1984, my pregnant partner decided to have an abortion. I was totally opposed to it, and pleaded with her to carry the baby to the 9-month term (birth). I said I would accept full custody rights and responsibilities for the baby from birth to 18 years of age – she could sign over the baby to me at birth. I even had a legal document in my pocket stating the proposal. She refused.
I accompanied my girlfriend to the Love-Joy Clinic in Portland, Oregon on the day of the scheduled abortion. We went into the counselor’s office together and I expressed my opposition to the abortion. The counselor said the “surgical procedure” was a women’s right and it is her body to do as she pleases. The counselor said, “I know you disapprove of this operation, but rest assured there is grief counseling available for men following the abortion procedure.”
The abortion anesthetic was scheduled to be administered at 2:00 p.m., and then the surgery would immediately follow. At 1:30 p.m. I stayed in the waiting room (as I have a legal right to be there) and opened up a conversation with the seven pregnant women about the sacredness of life, sharing how abortion transgresses all moral and spiritual principals. It seemed like every aspect to the issue ensued during the discussion. I listened intently and responded from conscience to each women’s thoughts and feelings, which were quite mixed and confused. During the course of communication three women left the clinic, declaring they changed their minds and were not aborting their fetus. A fourth women left the clinic (I’m uncertain about her final decision) saying what I shared was food for thought. Saving three lives on that day is my greatest achievement to date.
After these four women left, the head receptionist approached me with extreme anger and demanded I leave the clinic. She threatened to call the police and have me removed.
I told her to “go ahead – an unborn child is being murdered in there and you have the audacity to ask me to leave! I’m just exercising my opinions and right to free speech.”
The three pregnant women stared on in disbelief. When my girlfriend came out after the abortion surgery I took her back to her place. Not a sound was uttered or exchanged.
Following this tragic reality, I went alone to the depths of Nature for three days to heal and fast. I promised on the grave of the dead fetus to do all in my power to see Roe v. Wade reversed.